such a title

what kind of personal writing deserves such a title?
really just a line from a movie i was obessed with once. some days its completely appropriate for the drivel out of my mind. other days descriptive of the trash i get in response to some gut-wrenching, soul-searching question arisen from the ash of someone else's consequences. im much more interested today in filling in the gaps of the stuttery, disgruntled responses to my internal rationalization of some pretty rediculous ideas. ...and so i write.

theres this author in my head. and hes angry with me cause not often enough do i let him out to play. after all, word choice is just another game. and you win when the letters on the screen or the ink on the page spark ideas and emotion, pushed away from 'now' by "bad weather" or "waking up on the wrong side of the bed," "disgruntled coworkers" and "toothaches," the feelings that really make life worth living, make it that training ground that spiritual gurus swear is the reason of existence and me? afraid to let my fingers do the walking and my ball point do the talking. despite the years ive spent learning to recognize a meaningful life and how to start my day at any moment of my choosing I, still find the time and the way and the excuse to keep myself from it. keep him from it. from the book, from the lyric, from the sermon. afraid to let him be free when i already know that his next move could release me.

hubris - exaggerated pride or self confidence
defeated - (defeat) obsolete: destroy; nullify, frustrate; to win victory over

the persistent idea that i might actually have control over something outside of myself.. my general brand of hubris. and so.. the theme of my life would be to find a way to destroy this egotistical, self-centered, and self-seeking part of me. it may not feel good, sometimes it wont look good.. but it will most certainly be good for me.. and for the people who love me. it wont be done perfectly, ill probably fight it tooth and nail.. but thats part of what makes it a good goal.. a vision really - almost unatainable but something that can certainly be worked towards in measurable and noticeable ways. and everyone i know can and probably will help me with this.. whether knowingly or unknowingly. i just need the truth. the truth, like other things, starts with me.. so im also continuing to learn to tell myself the truth. youd imagine that this wouldnt be very difficult.. try it.

...its all just a journey. and this pit-stop of pity, with its pissy restrooms and empty vending machines has sparked my drive to get back in the car, put a bet on the table, roll the die, whatever it takes to get back in the game, ill never know if i would have won if i dont play, so i choose wisely, each letter compounding meaning as i watch them rest side..by..side on the gorilla glass, typing, tallying