distant anger

one of the many things I find that I dont do well is anger
Im not one to throw your shortcomings in your face
or say mean/hurtful things to spike your blood to boil back
Im just not that type of guy
oh but the disdain for your actions and subsequent presence
probably cut deeper than any snide, sarcastic, sharp commentary ever could
in a way it makes me feel bad
to see the hurt in your prolonged gaze
as you search for some semblance of reconcile
to hear the longing in your stutter step before you walk away
its improvement and growth to say that Im not the silently ticking timebomb waiting for you to fuck up again
but it sucks for me
and because you want the normal me back
it sucks for you right now too
if I didnt have sadistic tendencies Id cave even earlier
the truth of the matter though is that my feelings are hurt
the other truth of the matter is that Ill likely forgive you
most likely too quickly for both of us
what Ive realized is thats just as bad for our friendship as blowing up in each others face, drinking the problems away, or talking behind each others back
it doesnt promote growth or change
it doesnt spark the desire to do anything different
talk about maddening circles
and as long as I keep standing in the way of both of us we wont get where we are heading
as it will always seem too far away