horror running

suddenly Im that pale woman we laugh at in the films
don't answer the phone
don't go outside
don't run toward the woods
"you in danger, girl!"
and for me giggles abound

its much more poignant when the killer chasing you
slowly
methodically
bloody knife in hand
even with a limp
lives inside your own head

its being afraid for a reason no one else can see
a weepy, scary feeling inside of me

its the worry of harm
whether purposeful or by mistake
haunting just below the surface
making everything feel unsafe

a quickening heartbeat
the whoosh whoosh whoosh getting louder in my ear
a fluttery stomach, set afire
mere moments, that feel like a full year

dampened by muscle, sinew, and skin
a hard won effort, learned to keep it all within

this is where logic and kindness, understanding and compassion get lost
those are gifts,
reserved for everyone else
this square foot
burns, aches, drowns, suffers
to push, pull, crawl, claw toward "normal"
upward from despair, sadness, grief
at dreams misunderstood, mis taken for a misheard calling

righteous
assumes we can identify what is right
and for whom it is right
and that this entity is the antagonist
never me

anger
well that's just it
who has the privilege of feeling that
an emotion of the irrational, illogical, unrepentant, entitled
for those that cant take or manage their hand
you play what youve been given
not that you have to like it, but here it is
and no one is sorry that this is what it is
no one that can change it
a waste of energy, better invested elsewhere
perhaps in acceptance, in truth, in change

I know what's going to happen next
we all do
she will trip
and scream
she wont get up in time
not before the killer gets there
But I'll keep scooting anyway, ankle broken
crying
anticipating the horror

© Raymond Walker III
May 12, 2022