tears

wet and hot streaming quickly down my face
gasping for air
chest heaving
heart aflutter
emotions churning
the passion of it all
yes, I remember how it felt
the frenzy I could work myself into
sometimes to the point of asthmatic attack
especially if I tried to fend it off
since back then I loathed the simple experience of it

I cried a lot when I was a little girl
I was senstive
the baby
tormented
mostly by my own thoughts and fears
convinced that whatever I felt in the moment was it for eternity
I wasnt enough, should never have been born and the reason no one was happy
And my tears
evidence of my weakness
proof of my inability to cope
and the reason everyone stayed angry

collecting in small puddles on a hard surface below
settling wide into pillowcases
cool wet spots soaked my elbows and dampened my dreams
its amazing how deep and far those tiny drops can travel
sliding down arms
slipping into neck creases
leaving trails of salt in their wake

I yearn for these achy wet reminders of my humanness today
An emotional whirlpool spinning inside
Somehow over and under -whelmed at the same damn time
Sight glassy
Heart racing
Forehead furrowed and
nothing
not a single drop
who knew Id miss my tears?