ramblings

ive the desire to ramble - to write
so many things
seemingly trapped in a web void of understanding
in the tiny circles my suggestions attempt to lead others out of
when youve pumped the car full and the 'click' that stops things from overflowing but you squeeze again anyway just in case
and on the rare occassion a malfunction where you end up with with loud smelling liquid continuing to flow out of the tank around the nozzle down onto the ground pooling around your feet
that's where I am
in the not-so-faint fragrance of danger a mile down the road from the station
windows down, music blarring as you try not to think about it and nudge away the guilt and greed resulting from the can't-get-enough of society
beyond overflow

i touched it
placed my hands on it
let my fingers trace over the engraving of my name
his name is etched deep in the cold hard stone
much like the memories of him in my heart
i wanted to lay there
feel my face on it
scream my tears into the letters
let my chest heave on the insect ridden ground around it
dig my nails into the dirt and hold on
attempting just one more of those rare hugs ive force on him when i was afraid of how or whether id see him again
instead ive the reminder of how sharp it felt from the scratch marks on the door as my spirit companion attempted to free himself through the back window of my car
interrupted moments dont get a second chance
no tears
no dramatics
purely fleeting emotion

have you ever seen your name so many times in a place that even you get sick of it?

yeah

the only respite a beautifully setting sun

a reminder that all good things..

and nothing gold.. 

ive luckily captured a moment in time to recall the power and strength behind me

a reason to keep going and keep going strong

but what does one do when they dont know the where of the going

when I dont know

so many of the things

congratulations, happy birthday, great job, thank you on one side

when, where, how come on the other

and the answers allude me

sleeping resists my encouragement

pondering it confounds me

i start stop and start again only to the beat of my self loathing

all of it meaningful